Chapter 6  Stretch Until You Feel It

Move Out of Your Comfort Zone to Realize Your Potential

This excerpt is from chapter 6 of “Tickle,” a book about living from the inside out, taking charge, and making choices that support a lifestyle that is meaningful to you.  Written for anyone who wants more balance, more passion, more meaning, Create A Life That Tickles Your Soul was named “Outstanding Book of The Year” and  “Most Life-Changing” in the Independent Publisher Book Awards 2000.

"Beyond familiar…just past fear…that’s where life expands."

Suzanne Zoglio

The Swahili word "utoto" stands for energy, youth, and newness.  In midlife, we often seek utoto, intuitively wanting to extend life and resist degeneration. The principle of entropy is defined in Webster's dictionary as "the degradation of all matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of inert uniformity."  In other words, all things—including human beings—will eventually break down, if there is no change.  However, unlike inanimate objects, human beings can interact with the environment in a cyclical way that either accelerates or inhibits our decline.  We have an opportunity to act and learn, thereby growing to a new level where we can act and learn again, and then advance to yet another level.  If we learn and grow, we evolve.  If we don't, we decline.  Although we often hear references to just "coasting" or maintaining the status quo, there actually is no status quo.  If we do nothing, our system will not stay the same…it will deteriorate.  In effect, there are only two modes of energy utilization available to us: expansion or contraction.

Fortunately, the benefits of change—feeling young and alive—often outweigh the costs.  So we risk pride, income, and comfort in pursuit of continuous growth and adventures large and small.  When we do, we are generously rewarded with renewed energy that only comes from living fully.  People who seem younger than their years often make learning a lifetime adventure.  They read, take courses, and converse with people about all sorts of things.  They may attempt new physical challenges such as aerobics, weight training, or even tap dancing, or become thrill-seekers, trying their hand at skydiving, mountain climbing, or scuba diving.  Some find new ways to be of service, while others delve deeper into spiritual matters.

We can choose to continuously improve mind, body, and spirit or we can choose the path of decline.  We can interact with the universe in an exchange of energy, or we can block renewal of our system and simply let our batteries wear down.  A generation ago, our parents looked forward to retiring at about age 65 and spending a few more years winding down.  Today, most midlifers will have the opportunity for new adventures, physical mastery, and deepened self-awareness and spirituality.  The question is: "Will we choose to accept the opportunity and expand ourselves, or will we turn from the opportunity and contract?"  The choice is ours.  Lou, a Philadelphia corporate executive, chose to stretch…literally.

Lou is a likeable, talented, high-energy corporate executive with a career that spans two continents.  A few years ago, his body started signaling that his fast-paced lifestyle was taking its toll.  Although everyone was telling him to relax, slow down, and reduce his stress level, he denied there was a problem.  "It's just my personality.  I'm a high-energy guy," he'd say.  "I love this pace…really."  It 's hard to argue with Lou; he's very convincing.  But when a parade of ailments began—sinus infections, heart irregularities, and chronic stomach trouble—it was becoming more apparent that something had to give.  He knew it, but it took a while to admit it. 

Lou is from the school of "never let them see you cry," so while he was dealing with these personal problems, he still put in 12- to 16-hour days and went nonstop seven days a week.  He was on a "busy-is-better" treadmill and wasn’t sure how to get off. 

In his mid-forties, he has already achieved great career success and has many interests. He travels often and is a gourmet cook and a gadget buff.  He always goes the extra mile for others and looks like energy in motion most of the time.  Although everyone kept telling him to relax, it was not sinking in.  It was like telling a caged lion not to pace.  The tension of wanting out was mounting, but he was in strange territory.  He'd always been competent in the career domain, but this was about personal mastery. 

Convinced he was too young to burn out, he started working out, eating better, and moderating his work schedule.  But it was not easy.  Lou has always loved good food and been passionate about his work.  He's never been particularly fond of exercise, or anything routine.  Always looking for something new, he'd start a regimen, stop and then start over again.  Then he asked a trainer in the company gym to be his fitness coach.  "That," says Lou, "made all the difference."  The executive who had been a cheerleader all of his life—encouraging others to go for the gold, guiding employees to new levels of performance, and boosting spirits when the going got rough —now had a cheerleader of his own.

Today, he's 25 pounds lighter and feels—in his own words—"the best I've felt in 20 years."  The people who work with him say he's like a different person; he delegates more and maintains a better personal/professional balance.  He even rekindled an old passion by buying into and now regularly flying a private plane.  Being master of your own fate does not mean doing everything alone.  It often means securing the support you need to achieve professional and personal well-being. 

Midlife stretching often occurs in one of the three major areas of mind, body, or spirit.  Some midlifers go forward on all three fronts at once, while others take a more sequential approach.

Brain Agility

Perhaps you have heard the aphorism, "Use it or lose it."  The truth in that saying becomes abundantly clear when somewhere in our late forties we start to forget things.  At first it may seem humorous…or maybe we just use humor to help us cope.  "Gosh, I went to introduce my best friend the other day and I couldn't remember her last name."  Nervously, we all laugh. "I know, I know," we say, "I can't remember my own name some days."  The truth is, the research on age-related mental functioning is quite heartening.  While we might experience a slight lessening of short-term memory, we do not actually lose brain cells in the large numbers we formerly thought.  Instead, it seems that brain cells go dormant from a lack of stimulation and challenge.  So, once again: use it or lose it.  It is good news that we can actually grow new dendrites, or connectors to transmit messages across the network of our brain.

Every new activity you attempt, every new crossword puzzle you complete, every new piece of information that you learn will help you to maintain brainpower.  The more you read, problem-solve, and increase your vocabulary, the more you will give your brain the workout it needs to stay alert.  Talk with smart people, enroll in challenging courses, and read about topics that will expand your horizons.  Attempt new physical feats, and listen to music that you normally don't hear.  Travel, learn a foreign language, and immerse yourself in different cultures.  You are in charge of the contraction or expansion of your brain functioning as you prepare for your second adulthood.  You can risk and stretch and challenge yourself or you can play it safe, rest on your laurels, and comfort yourself.  If you want to be mentally sharp for the rest of your life, put your brain on the same kind of fitness regimen you would require for a champion racehorse that you were preparing for the Kentucky Derby: feed it, exercise it, and challenge it.

Body Strength 

So much has been reported on the benefits of a healthy body that you would think we would all be eating well, exercising regularly, and managing life stresses beautifully.  Surely it is not from a lack of information that we overindulge, underexercise, and allow stress to take its toll.  Instead it must be related to inertia.  We get on a roll, learn habits that are hard to break, and just keep going unless we receive some sort of wake-up call…a heart attack, loss of a peer, loss of physical strength, or even jeans that no longer fit. 

However, we don't have to wait for a flashing neon sign; we can be proactive.  We don't wait until the engine of a car seizes up before adding oil.  We don't wait until we have a mouthful of cavities before brushing our teeth.  We don't wait until a houseplant is shriveled before adding water (okay, some of us do…but you get the point).  We already know the habit of maintaining top performance…we just don't always apply it to our bodies.  As with changing any habit, half the battle is won with intent and half with persistence. 

It is often said that whatever you pay attention to in your life will become larger, and whatever you ignore will diminish.  Direct energy at something, and it grows.  Withdraw energy from something, and it withers.  You know this intuitively.  When a child has a hurt, we try to distract him; with older children we say, "Try to focus on something else."  When a friend talks of all the things that can go wrong with an upcoming presentation, we say, "Don't even imagine that" or "Don't put that out there."  Successes are not born out of fear or from negative focus, but out of the power of strong intent.  We receive what we desire by imagining what we want and knowing why we want it.  Ask any sports coach which contemplation is more empowering for their team: envisioning what they don't want (fumbles) or imagining what they do want (well-executed plays).  Winners focus on what they do want. 

Jane is a 47-year-old teacher who had been gaining weight steadily for some time.  This past year she lost 75 pounds.  In describing how she did it, she talked of her resolve to be fit by the time she and her husband escaped on vacation from the wintry Northeast to warm island breezes.  As she spoke it was apparent that her will had been very strong and her intent perfectly clear.  She had picked out specific clothes to wear and held onto an image of how she would look in them.  Her goals were clear: when she lost the weight her rewards would be a fit body, increased energy, and a hard-earned vacation. 

If you want to manage your weight, try paying attention to the "fit" you.  Repeat positive affirmations many times during the day, saying such things as: "I am just the right weight for me" or "I eat what my body needs" or "I'm in great shape."  If a what-you-don't-want thought ("I'm soooo fat…lazy…weak, etc.") pops into your head, just evict it.  Say right out loud: "That was up until now.  Now, I am fit…fine…in charge, etc." 

Visually imagine pictures of your svelte self (or exercising, veggie-eating, meditating self) on your refrigerator, morning mirror, and daily calendar.  If you have no picture of your intended self, paste a headshot of you on a magazine photo of a walker, tennis player, or other fitness role model.  When you close your eyes at night, accept who you are and imagine who you want to be.

Make your intent specific and demonstrate your commitment by writing and posting positive intent fitness goals such as: "I am at my ideal weight at Christmas," "I'm running a five-minute mile in June," or "My cholesterol is normal next check-up."  Remember to phrase all intent statements in the positive.  Reinforce what you do want, such as ideal weight or completing a five-minute mile.  You will simply increase attention to what you don't want if your goals are phrased in the negative, such as "I won't be overweight," or "I won't be sedentary."  Also, remember to use present-tense verbs when you phrase your fitness goals and affirmations: "I am full of energy" instead of "I will be full of energy."

Positive intent's partner in strengthening your body is persistence.  As with any goals, if you want to be different, you've got to do different…every day.  It takes persistence to make transitions.  Old habits die hard, and most of us are not able to make major changes in one attempt.  It is more likely that we will succeed in shifting mindsets, then images, and then one behavior at a time. We might succeed in the short run, experience a setback, and then get back on track.  So "chunk" your body-strengthening goals into smaller "sub-goals" with shorter deadlines.  As you reach each one, you'll be inspired to move on to the next, and if you should have a setback, you'll be able to fall back on all the previous small successes to keep you hopeful.

Be patient and forgiving of any slip.  Acknowledge it, forgive it, and move on.  There is no need to give up on a whole goal (bench-press 50 pounds by January) because you missed one sub-goal (lift weights three times this week).  I'm sure that you have run into a pothole or two in your travels.  They give you a jolt, but they seldom derail you.  The happiest people I know all demonstrate a commitment to do whatever it takes.  They don't "take a stab" at happiness or "give it a try."  They decide.  If your desire is great and your intent is clear, you are unstoppable.

A spunky female friend of mine took up golf at the age of 47.  In six months she was playing better than her husband was…and he had been playing golf for most of his adult life.  She was determined—and disciplined—and proved that it's never too late to learn if you are willing to do what it takes.  She could have convinced herself that her husband had too much of a lead, and that she would never be able to play at his level.  Or she could have stopped trying when she reached his level.  But she didn't.  In midlife, she embarked on a whole new adventure and quickly rose to the top.  Within two years, she was winning tournaments, chairing leagues, and improving her handicap every month.  She's happy and looks half her age.  Stretching is good for us…and so is having a passion.

Wisdom of the Soul

Often at midlife there is a natural leaning in the direction of spirituality.  As we face our own mortality, we glance back at the first half of our lives and ask many questions.  Has it been worth it?  What have I learned?  Have I focused on the important things?  Have I become who I want to be?  Have I made a difference?  Where have I given love?

Not only do we question the path we've taken; most of us look for stronger connections.  We seek deeper friendships and more intimacy with loved ones.  Many of us establish or strengthen relationships with nature, God, and our higher selves. We are drawn to larger issues of peace, order, and knowledge of the universe.  Often we sense a significant shift in focus from our individual survival to a greater good.

Perspective, purpose, and simple pleasure provide a new rhythm for our forward march.  The crossroads between our first and second adulthoods seems to be a perfect spot to pause and catch our breath.  This is the place where many of us decide that it is time to veer off the familiar path in pursuit of new adventures.  It is time to create a different life…a life that tickles the soul. 

To tickle the soul, we've got to get in touch with the soul.  Such inner reflection requires more silence than activity, more openness than intent, and more perception than planning.  We can increase our self-awareness by developing habits of meditation and inspiration.  Set aside a bit of reverie every day…perhaps 15 to 30 minutes at the start of each day and 15 to 30 minutes before you sleep.  Find a quiet place where you can be alone and absolutely still.  Relax yourself with a little deep breathing and then pose a purpose question (How can I be of service to others?), ask for guidance (What is the way out of this dilemma?), or state your openness to your inner wisdom (I am learning).  Ask or state…then just wait.  Your awareness will be heightened, and if not immediately, then later when you least expect it, a concept will appear.  All you need to know is available to you; practice regular silence so you can hear.

Silence is not the only way to strengthen your spirit; you can also feed it with uplifting music, imaginative thoughts, inspiring prose.  Read (or listen to tapes of) life-affirming material.  Some of my personal favorites are books by Scott Peck (The Road Less Traveled), Jack Canfield and Victor Hansen (The Aladdin Factor, Chicken Soup for the Soul), Deepak Chopra (Creating Affluence, The Path to Love),  Steven Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People), Wayne Dyer (You’ll See It When You Believe It, Wisdom of the Ages), and Jim Donovan (This Is Your Life, Not a Dress Rehearsal).  Listen to music that inspires you and read stories that touch your heart.  Interact with people who have a sense of purpose and joy, and who are generous, sharing souls.  Visit often the places that inspire you and bring you inner peace.  Your favorite might be a wooded area, a deserted beach, your own little garden, or a place of worship. 

Developing your spiritual self does not take great effort.  In fact, to the contrary—this type of stretching flows naturally when you are all alone, with a still mind and an open heart.  As you free yourself from all outside clatter, your inner voice will speak.  Words of healing, love, and purpose will provide any guidance that you seek.  You won't need to find courage to reinvent your life because you will know intuitively just which path is right.

Evolution or Entropy?

The choice to grow rather than decline involves many conscious choices to expand rather than contract.  We forgive or hold anger; we explore or ignore; we give or withhold; we escape or participate.  When we expand, we feel alive and when we contract, a piece of us dies. 

On my fiftieth birthday I did something that I had wanted to do for a long time.  I went hot air ballooning.  My husband and brother came along—against their better judgment, in a gesture of love.  We all helped the pilot unfold the colorful waves of cloth and fill the balloon with air.  Excitement grew as we soared above a patchwork quilt of land and glided to a wondrous place.  Beyond familiar…just past fear…that's where life expands.

Mike, an executive vice president of a 200 million dollar bank, dreamed of opening his own advertising agency or design studio someday.  While he studied serious painting as an avocation, he never gave up on his dream of striking out on his own.  But the successes, security, and the corporate culture of the banking industry were just too comfortable…too familiar…to abandon.

Then in a quirky turn of fate, opportunity knocked.  Merger mania hit the financial services industry and the chance to leave…with a parachute…was offered.  He took the leap of faith.

He left banking and started his own advertising agency.  Within two months, he wished he had done it ten years before.  Twelve years later, he employs six people, and has sales approaching one million dollars per year.

Sharing the same entrepreneurial spirit as many of his clients whose products and services he markets, Mike soon investigated an undeveloped niche of great interest…heirloom quality, hand crafted nativities.  Venturing out paid off again.  Today, while he runs his advertising agency and builds custom nativity stables, the world’s largest nativity manufacturer reproduces his original designs in high quality resins and sells them throughout a network of 5,000 retail locations.  Business experience, a passion for the arts, and spirited enthusiasm for conceptualizing ideas came together in a manifestation of potential that required imagination and faith.

Consider for a moment the "peak experiences" of your life…times when you felt exhilarated and completely alive.  The times when you dared to do something different and your world grew larger.  Perhaps you have met physical challenges such as mountain climbing or skydiving.  Or maybe you met someone whom you always wanted to meet, or traveled to a foreign place.  Maybe you had an extraordinary insight, feasted on a gorgeous sight, or connected with someone in a rare and powerful way.  Write them down, recall how you felt, and savor the experience all over again.

Susan Jeffers writes, in Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, that our fears can be broken down into three levels.  She defines Level 1 as "surface fears" which include things that happen such as accidents or loss and things that require action such as public speaking or ending a relationship.  Level 2 fears involve "inner states of mind" and include fears such as being conned or rejected.  A Level 3 fear, which Jeffers says underlies all other fears, is simply "I can't handle it!"  She asks the question, "If you knew you could handle anything that came your way, what would you possibly have to fear?"  The answer is "nothing."  Jeffers' book (also available on audiotape) is filled with insights, tips, and specific techniques for moving through your fears.

When you take a risk, learn something new, or move into places you haven't known before, your life is never the same.  Moving through the fear gives you confidence, and experiencing the joy offers a promise.  You know you can and you know it's worth it.

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